"Procedural" crime drama shows...BEGONE!

What are "procedural crime drama shows", you ask? Oh, you know them:

CSI and its spinoffs, NCIS and its spinoff, Criminal Minds, The Mentalist, Lie to Me, etc.

They possess a pseudo "edginess" (quick edits, gritty b&w "flashbacks", CGI close-ups of crime scene details) that's not so edgy once you realize that they ALL do it and they do it according to strict formulas. The writing, the directing...the plot and characters...all predictable and formulaic. And all conflict is neatly wrapped up at the end of the hour with a lame Top 40 "feel good" song intruding on the scene to remind you that you're supposed to feel happy/sad. Could you imagine Kubrick closing out a film with a Coldplay tune while the characters reflect on a job well done?

Speaking of characters, those of one show are virtually interchangeable with the others. There's the stern "mentor" or straight man who's there to anchor the more "quirky" characters and keep them in line:

And because the producers and writers are either too lazy or cowardly to come up with anything original, appealing, or controversial with regard to the "comic" foils, they just skip characterization and take the easy shortcut to quirky: hairstyles or wardrobe.

"Hey, look! I'm wearing goth makeup/cats eyes glasses and pink-dyed hair/cliched professorial attire and a bowtie! I MUST be a goofy, nuanced character! I mean, ya don't see THAT everyday! What am I gonna do next? WHEW, who knows?? I'm just unpredictable enough to show up for work tomorrow wearing a 'Hello Kitty' t-shirt!"

You might well say "Hey, Willy...don't like it? Don't WATCH it!" Well, that would be fine, except that these shows are all hits. People are actually believing that they're watching quality programming. Which, in turn, spawns more clones, which in turn crowds out all original shows from the TV lineup, just as the reality TV genre has done. Truly original, well-written, brilliantly directed shows will all be relegated to cable or just disappear altogether.

And THAT would suck.